Balance

I hold this
to be the highest task
for a bond between
two people:
that each protects
the solitude of the other.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

It is a fine balance between connecting with the other and maintaining our own individuality.   I'm just beginning to see that strong autonomous and independent drive in my five year old daughter begin to assert itself.  She goes to her own room and proceeds to the doll house, entering a world of her own making as she does.   I'll hear all sorts of conversations float from that imaginary realm of Alexa's world and I let them float right past me, respecting her space for exploration.  I don't apply analysis or creative criticisms, I simply let her ride her own stream of consciousness for as long as she can.  


As an adult it's hard to find this space to let the imagination run wild and free.  The pressures of work and family often rob us of that freedom unless we intentional block some time for ourselves.  It's not unusual for a partner to feel left out or worse rejected when we take time to head off to the study to read, write or just simply think.  But this is a need we all have.  Many have learned to deny themselves this, especially the super Mom's of today.  We work, exercise, cook for our family, get everyone up and going in the morning, and it leaves so little time for our own play time.  There's a desire when we return to our homes at night to have quality family time.  We succomb to feelings of mother's guilt for wanting our own space, a room of our own as Virginia Woolf noted so many decades ago.  Maybe after the dinner is finished, and the conversation dwindles, everyone could do with some pretend time.  As a single parent I know that when my daughter heads off to the bedroom or while she plays with her toys in the bath, this is my time to let my imagination run free too.  Whether I grab a book, my laptop or just sit and think, I know that what I'm doing makes me whole. 


At night, when I curl up with my little girl in bed for story time, I can revel in her improv story lines about the Birthday Buddha, knowing that by allowing her the freedom to explore alone means she'll have the coolest story lines ever.  Her imagination astounds and delights me.  And when she kisses me goodnight and says "you're the goodest mom ever", it warms my heart and encourages me toward another day (we'll get to grammar another day).


As we anticipate cohabitation in March, this lesson will stay with me.  I will be ever vigilant that all members of our new home enjoy a room of their own, a special space guarded by deep respect and love, for great creative work requires no less.

Truth is not Shakespeare

The truth
needs so little rehearsal.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

Truth may need little rehearsal, yet it does need silence and reflection. Discerning the truth in any matter, but particularly in matters of politics or religion, places us squarely against others whose truth is informed by other influences. When I look at the differences between the progressive and the conservative minds it is clear that what is "truth" becomes much less obvious. The conservative truth is one based on scarcity and fear where competition and the survival of the fittest becomes the metric of success. It is supported by the Luthern concept that God rewards the "good" people with material wealth (i.e. security) in this earthly existence, while He punishes the "bad" with poverty (i.e. insecurity). This "truth" also relies heavily on the acceptance of the medieval concept of the Great Chain of Being that places the King nearest God, then men, then animals, on down to insects and inanimate Earth at the bottom. It is in this paradigm of truth that capitalism was born, leading to the consumerist and wasteful existence we now all share as Americans. It is this paradigm that has allowed genocide and exploitation of indigenous peoples the world over through colonization and occupation. This truth is very rigid as were the childhoods of those most often following its dictum. There is a strong connection between the harsh, strict father who relies on the authority of the harsh, strict heavenly Father for his power over his family. This is a paradigm dependent on violence.

Progressive truth is not necessarily one of nonviolence or cooperation, but it should be. The human race is in a struggle against itself and this living ecology that supports us. While our attention is on Christmas, terrorism, war, Tiger Wood's love life or the latest Hollywood gossip, the truth is slipping away. We will soon run out of scapegoats for the failures of our social structure. The capitalist economic model is failing, we've destroyed so much of our planet it is beginning to change in ways that will make life very difficult for many millions of us and yet we continue to cling desperately to that strong father figure in our government, hoping that it will use Biblical force on those who threaten our way of life (security). I'm not calling for the eradication of religion or the end of government. But I ask believers to look more closely at their teachings. Is there no room in your religion for other people of other colors, genders, ages and yes, even other religions? Is there no room for love in your religion? How about cooperation? Or respect for this amazing planet we ride effortlessly upon?

It's time to stop. Sit in silence with your own thoughts. Let your heart wrap around the suffering caused by our own greed. Stop rehearsing and just let the truth shine.

New Doors, New Ways

I have become
my own version of an optimist.
If I can't make it through
one door, I'll go
through
another door -
or I'll make a door.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

There will always be bumps in the road of life. Often the obstacles are more important to our progress than the times of smooth sailing. Each personal crisis or conflict in our lives allows us the opportunity to stretch, to respond in a kinder way than we did before. It offers another chance to practice self care, anger control, and compassion. Think of the delicate looking crocus that is the first sign of Spring here in the NW. It must first struggle against the hard shell of the seed, and then it pushes through often frozen earth, just to find the slant sunlight of late winter. It blooms so early that it risks freezing, and yet it pushes forward. It may appear delicate to our eyes, but there is a fierce will to survive and make it's way toward light that we would do well to emulate.



After the struggle
Life returns
stronger

Transformation

A new decade unfurls it's wet wings
prismatic possibilities in a fractal space
the universe compressed in each human mind
but where will thought lead
rest now young one
let wings dry
heart warm
then glide
gently
into
peace

Welcome 2010

I wish all a year without suffering, one filled with great joys and most of all peace.

As the year begins I engage in the annual pastime of setting resolutions by reflecting on the last year with critical 20/20 vision that highlights my successes and my weaknesses. As a parent I have continued to build the bonds of trust and love with my daughter always engaging her opinions and ideas in household decisions. I revel in her confidence, overall happiness and curiosity. Balancing my individual needs with hers has often been a challenge but it is a dance of priorities that we are learning new steps daily as she finds ways to engage on her own more and more.

My work with peace and nonviolence continues to deepen and engage more of my spare and rare free time. This coming year I am taking steps to increase my daily experience of living ahimsa by going car free and spending many more miles on leg-powered wheels. I will work closely with a mentor this year to practice and learn more as I strive to be a better "ocular demonstration" of nonviolence. I continue to un-complicate and un-clutter my life meaning many trips to Goodwill. This year will see a continuation of my meditation practice and an exploration of bridging my spiritual and physical realms, bringing the simplicity of the physical into my mind while letting the peaceful equipoise experienced in my deepest meditation to radiate in my wakeful engaged moments.

My livelihood remains in the tiny technical world of electron microscopy. Although I continue to work as a corporate library administrator, I hope to see a segue from the semiconductor world in the world of information management, peace and nonviolence information in particular. As long as I'm shackled to debt this transition will need to be metered and cautious. But when the universe opens the opportunity to me, I will do my best to be ready for the leap.

In love, I will remain open to each moment and each heart that I encounter on the journey. I have taken a more discerning approach to my personal relationships. In the Dhammapada Buddha says it is better to travel alone that to travel with a fool. I interpret that to mean that the one we choose to journey with must be on a similar path and if fortunate, the same trajectory toward a common goal. So often I've fallen to the fanciful whims of my romantic heart and am happy to have learned the limitless nature of my love; not to be boxed in by gender, age, race or status. But as my journey becomes focused on a goal I realize that an intimate partner must share the vision, drive and passion for peace and nonviolence that I have. They must live ahimsa, nurturing themselves both physically and spiritually so that they can give fierce love to the hurting world without depleting their own reserves or becoming self destructive. In this year I've accepted that my life may be one of solitude, yet filled with the love of community. I believe this explains my fascination with monastic communities, but my community must be engaged in social action toward a just and safe world and not just focused on personal spiritual perfection. I am just beginning to get to know the peace community here in Portland, and am finding the warmth, love and support I need to nurture my own growth. This year I will open myself to, and engage myself more, with this beloved community.

Of course, I will also work toward a better diet and more exercise with everyone else.
And I WILL blog more and wax poetic on life's daily joys and challenges.
May we all be healthier and happier. I look forward to sharing this new year with all of you. May we link hearts, arms, and blogs in our work for peace.
Namaste.

Winds of Change

As the days grow longer and the holi-daze fades into crisp edged reality once again, I peer into my future, willing in to form what change I wish to bring into my life. Since our tragic descent into the abysmal role as worlds primary war addict, I've felt nothing but shame each time I pull into a gas station. I see that the love of freedom on wheels that I have ignorantly enjoyed since my teens is also death and misery to hundreds of thousands who just by chance were born on top of the oil we hunger for. We literally destroyed an entire country on a lie and are in the process of obliterating yet another. Each time I press down the gas pedal a new widow mourns, and other widows starve with their children in dangerous streets. The SUV craze that has grasped the hearts of American Soccer Moms is causing the suffering of so many other mothers in the world. Just as it was when I learned of the mass slaughter and misery of beautiful life forms we call "food" animals created in me the vegetarian heart, so this too has taken my will and pleasure of driving the roads across my beautiful country.

The decision to stop driving takes preparation, both logistically and emotionally. Like all young Americans I couldn't wait to get my drivers license. I learned how to feed and car for my car, changing my own oil, spark plugs, points (yes I'm that old) and tires. I loved everything about cars. I liked to go fast on the highway, but I also loved to crawl over the back country slow in a Jeep. I never would have imagined a day would come that I would voluntarily give up my four wheels. It is like the story often told of a conversation between George Fox (founder of The Religious Society of Friends) and William Penn (founder of the Province of Pennsylvania) where William expresses concern over wearing a sword, a common practice in the time. Fox responded saying "Wear it as long as thou canst". On a subsequent meeting Penn announces "I have taken thy advice; I wore it as long as I could". To be true to my principles of nonviolence I must admit that I have driven for as long as I can. The time has come to learn a new way which just happens to be healthier in many ways.

I am now the proud owner of three bikes, a trailer bike for longer rides with my daughter and her bike as well. Between the three I'm well equipped for many types of travel. One is set up as a grocery runner with large panniers on the back and a big produce basket on the front. My Kona Smoke is set up as my hauling bike, with attachments for trailers. My Kona Dew Plus is my run around ride, with a seat on the back that my daughter can use until she gets to 70lbs. I also get a monthly pass for the light rail and buses. The area that I live currently is not the easiest for this, so to make this transition even easier I will be moving to a more mass transit friendly area of the city.

My lease vehicle goes back to Toyota in May. I'll be posting more on this experiment then. I had felt some dread, but as the day gets closer I'm getting more excited. It's getting almost unbearable to drive my car now. Being on the bike feels much more like freedom to me than the smothering enclosure of the car. And physically I feel so much stronger and healthier. Admittedly, Portland is one of the most bike friendly cities in the U.S. but hopefully more cities will catch on.

I wish all beings everywhere a happier, healthier New Year. May we all find the path of peace easy to tread, but if not get a mountain bike and enjoy a challenging ride.

The Womb - A Solstice Poem

In the longest night we gather our courage
Each heart beat awash in memory
like waves depositing ancient bones from the depths
trapped in the cogs of the galactic timekeeper
haunted by the ghosts of lost souls and promises
swimming in the womb of wonder at what might come

The decomposition of the maiden’s bridal gown
now nurtures hard shelled shivering seeds beneath the snow
Her court of evergreens bend genuflect in icy winds
groaning in anguished anticipation
we fill the silence of our naked vulnerability
with songs of hope, bathing in each others warmth

Her chill breath awakens our nascent fears
of a never ending darkness, emptiness, and death
her cold wet kisses wash our strained features
We wait in childlike wonder and horror
for the birth cries of a new sun
praying it shine so warm and bright
as to melt the hardened hearts and fears of mortals